I’ve Been Struggling

 

 I’ve Been Struggling. 

            Something a good friend of mine told me recently was, “God will allow you to go around the mountain as many times as you need until you choose to face it, climb it, and see what God is trying to show you.” I would like to share with you a struggle that I have faced for many years now. I choose to share this with you now because I believe the root cause of this struggle is something most, if not all believers struggle with in different ways. My relationship with food and body image has been quite a running around the mountain situation for years. I can remember struggling with this since I was eight years old. As I have been walking with God, I have been seeking Him and praying over my relationship with food and body image to see what His word says about it. Despite my best efforts and even as I continue to grow with the Lord and in the knowledge of His word, there have still been times when I found myself at deep lows in this struggle. Times of hopelessness when I thought, “I may never overcome this.” The Lord has always been with me in it, and never left my side, but it is still a struggle that steals my joy, fills me with shame, and makes me feel very far from the Lord even though I know He is right by my side.

            Since coming to the ranch, which has been a very sweet place of meeting with the Lord and healing, God has invited me into seeking more intentionally what He has to say in the midst of this struggle. One thing that really stood out to me that a friend of mine spoke to me during this time of seeking and wrestling, was this; “the pursuit of perfection will never end.” This led me into praying more about this struggle and the deeper-rooted issues driving it. My negative relationship with food and my body was a side effect of a deeper-rooted issue. Through prayer and scripture, God revealed to me that the deeper issue was a pursuit of perfection, and even deeper than that was me defining good and bad on my own and selfishly deciding where I fit in the midst of it. You see, my brain works in very black and white thinking. So, growing up, especially during my teenage years, I took all the information I had from the world and decided very clearly what was “good” or “beautiful” in my own eyes and how to reach that standard. The problem with me deciding for myself what is right and wrong, good or bad, beautiful or ugly, is that it left it up to me to fit into the standards I set for myself. This led to times of pride when I felt like I was over the standard that I set, but more often, times of shame when I fell short of the nearly impossible “good” or “beautiful” standards I set for myself and those around me. This then led to idolatry as the thoughts of food, body image, and comparison consumed my mind and led my actions more than God and His will did. This struggle of defining good and bad on my own terms and pursuing my own version of perfection has put me in chains, and I have been in those chains for a long time.

            One of the first things God showed me/ spoke to me in pursuing Him through this struggle was that His love is so much greater than my imperfection and that He loves me in the midst of my mess, struggle, or “ugliness”. The world teaches that you have to be good, perfect, or beautiful to be loved. Even though I knew this wasn’t true of who God is, He had to remind me that His love is not dependent on how well I am doing. His love is so much greater than the box I put it in. His love is not dependent on how good I am, how perfect I am, or how beautiful I am. His love stays the same, it never changes, and that is the truth that was very hard to believe when I chose to look at myself through my own eyes and understanding instead of through His.

           Another thing God showed me through this struggle was how it was affecting my relationship with Him. The problem with the root struggle I had, the pursuit of perfection and defining good and bad on my own terms, was that it kept my eyes on myself and the world instead of on the Lord and His goodness. I found myself at times pursuing God so that He could make me better or make me perfect instead of pursuing Him because of who He is. The desires to be better, to be good, to be perfect or healed are not bad desires, but there is a reason God never let me reach that standard of ‘perfection” in my own eyes. Because if I did, I may have stopped pursuing Him and that is the most dangerous place to be. Instead, God has been gently reminding me of who He is and His great love for me in the midst of my imperfection. 1 John 4:8, God is love. Love Is His very essence, His very being. I will never be perfect and that is okay because God’s love is not dependent on how perfect I am. God does not desire perfection, He desires a heart that seeks Him above all else, a heart that loves Him and loves others. The pursuit of perfection will never end and will always leave me empty. But, pursuing God for who He is instead of focusing on the things of this world and myself, keeps getting better and better and will always leave me satisfied. Getting lost in the Lord’s love has been helping me forget about my own imperfection.

            Casting off the cares of the world, fixing my eyes on the Lord and who He truly is as well as being reminded of His love and simply chasing after that has brought me more freedom and joy in the past few days in my relationship with food than I have experienced in years. I feel like a child again… simply free. This freedom has been found in surrendering my own definition of good and evil, beautiful and ugly, right and wrong and simply pursuing the Lord because He loves me and I love Him and not so that He can perfect me. This isn’t easy, it is a daily battle to pursue the Lord, not for my own selfish gain but just for who He is, but, it is oh so sweet! The cares of the world, the standards I placed, and the black and white thinking are hard to let go of. I want to be In control, I want to feel good about what I can do and how I can look but that is not my purpose here, that is not how God calls me to live and that is not what leads to eternal joy and freedom. It is the grey, the unknown, the beautiful, chaotic, and crazy love of God that sets us free. The love that doesn’t make sense because it stays the same in the middle of the mess. This great love that never leaves us, that will never forsake us, that does not expect or desire perfection from us. This love that longs to be with His beloved children, this love that is God himself. This is the love that sets us free and marks us with beauty for eternity.

            I left some questions, scripture, and quotes down below for you to pray about and read if you are looking to face a mountain in your life and be set free of the chains it has put you in. ?¨ The struggle will always be there, but with the Lord, you can fight for freedom and experience it even in the midst of the struggle. I hope that my testimony was encouraging to you and I’m sure there will be more posts in the future about what God teaches me through this struggle. Thanks for reading as well as encouraging and loving me through this! Also, some encouragement while in the struggle, start by slowing down and taking baby steps. Sometimes in order to run with Jesus on the narrow path, we have to slow down and learn how to walk again the right way. I am learning that right now. I have actually been physically running since I have been up here at the ranch. At first, I was running as another way to fix myself or make myself more perfect, I was running as a means to an end. But since God has revealed all of this to me I have been running out of love, praying during my runs, and asking God to show me the joy and freedom found in the ability to run! Some days I run far, some days I run short, some days I walk or don’t run at all. Every day I am free and it is a joy because I am no longer running to make myself more perfect, putting my own labels on good and bad for the distance or pace I run, I am simply pursuing God and His love and being grateful for the gift that running is and it has been so freeing!!! This is the way we are to approach everything in life, even our relationship with Christ; not as a means to an end but as a gift we get to rejoice in!

            The battle begins in your mind, my friend. Whatever you believe becomes your reality and that directs how you behave. The struggle may always be there but keep fighting to believe the truth of who God is and what He says about you. Choose to follow Jesus all the days of your life and you will end in freedom and fullness of joy! Climb up the mountain God is waiting for you.

           

• Is there a mountain in your life that you have been circling for a while?
• Is the root of your struggle based upon your own definition of good and bad and trying to live up to those standards?
• Have your eyes been more fixed on yourself and your strength in regards to this struggle or have they been fixed on the Lord?
•  Are there cares/ rules of the world that are stealing your freedom and joy?
• Are these cares/ rules of the world God is encouraging you to throw off?
•  What are some practical steps you can take to move forward in pursuing God’s love instead of your own ambitions, goals, and gains?

 

 Quotes:

“God will allow you to go around the mountain as many times as you need until you choose to face it, climb it, and see what God is trying to show you.”

 -Nathaniel Enos

 

“The pursuit of perfection will never end.”

-Justin Seibert

 

“You cannot live up to your own expectations and neither can anyone else around you.”

-John Mark Comer

 

“As soon as you create a high position, “I am good, you are bad” “this action Is good, this action is bad” you immediately create a shame position for yourself. What happens when you don’t live up to your own expectations because no one is good all the time? You create a shame position for yourself and a contempt position for others. You look down on yourself and on others because of their behavior and it bleeds into what you think about your own as well as their self-worth.

-John Mark Comer

 

“What you believe becomes your reality and dictates how you behave”

– John Mark Comer

 

 

Scripture:

Matthew 22:37-39

Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

 

Colossians 2:6-8

So, then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition ad the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ.

 

Colossians 2:20-25

Since you died with Christ to the elemental spiritual forces of this world, why, as though you still belonged to the world, do you submit to its rules: “Do not handle! Do not touch! Do not taste!”? These rules, which have to do with things that are all destined to perish with use, are based on merely human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility, and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

 

Galatians 4:3-9

So also, when we were underage, we were in slavery under the elemental spiritual forces of the world. But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the spirit that calls out “Abba, Father.” So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has also made you an heir. Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God— or rather are known by God — how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable forces? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?

 

 

Galatians 5:1+4-6

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery…You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

 

 

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecto of our faith…

 

Ephesians 6:10-13

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take a stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be bale to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

 

Romans 12:2

Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

 

Hebrews 4:16

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy in our time of need.

 

Ephesians 2:4-10

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed through his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared for us in advance to do.

 

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

 

Colossians 3:1-2

Since then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above not on earthly things.

 

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

 

Ephesians 3:14-21

For this reason, I kneel before the Father, from whom every family derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have the power with all the Lords holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure with the unless of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.